You’re home alone, bong smoke settling through your apartment like a dense London fog. You’re sort of in the mood for video games, but you’ve also got a semi-erect penis begging for your attention. What do you do? You could ignore your human needs and just fire up the PS4, or you could look for something that pushes all of your buttons while you also push some buttons. Somebody just sent me a link to Boobs in the City, so I think I’ll opt for the latter.Boobs in the City is a free first-person shooter with a bunch of filthy sex in it. How about that, huh? You can shoot stuff in a game until your mushroom-headed friend is ready to shoot some stuff of its own. Most of the sex games I try out seem to be visual novels or FRPGs with cartoon porn in the cutscenes, so I’m eager to see what kind of perversion is possible in the realm of the FPS.Android Only, iPhone Users Fuck OffFirst things first. Boobs in the City is for Android only at this point, so you iPhone fags will have to go throw your money at some bright, shiny bullshit that will be obsolete in a couple of years. Google doesn’t allow sex games in the official store, so you’ll have to download it from Eroges. Eroges is a game portal that lists free hentai games, but you don’t really need to worry about that at all right now. Just click my link, download the game, and install it. Your phone will probably give you some shit about installing an unknown app, but these guys are legit.This game is free to play, a phrase that strikes fear into the heart of gamers everywhere. Sure, you can play the game entirely for free, but will it be fun? Can you win? That’s always the eternal question with these games. Since all the characters on the game page are drawn in an anime style, I already know this is a gacha thing, which I’ll get to in a bit.Sexy Bitches Want to Squirt For YouIt’s a relatively large download, with more downloading and installing once you’ve got it on your phone. Budget a little extra time in advance, so you’re not left with a frustrating boner and a fading sativa buzz as you watch the progress bar fill up really slowly.The opening animation for the game looks professional as hell. There’s a chirpy-ass J-pop song playing as a bunch of the characters flash by on the screen. As you may have guessed, they’re a bunch of sexy manga broads with huge eyes, huge tits and really revealing clothing. The flashing text says it’s my job to give them intensive training.I’m surprised there is full nudity in the intro, since a lot of these games tend to be really fucking stingy with the sex scenes. I take this as a good sign; if they’re giving away this much before the game even starts, I hope it means they’ve got way more to show me. The anime bitches are neatly drawn rendered, hairless and ripe. I think a few are masturbating.There’s not much setup to do on your end, no stat rolling or character selection. All you need to do to get the ball rolling is choose a name. You’ll be playing the coach to a team of sexy professional water gunfighters.Grab Your Gun, Jerk It and ShootAs in any game with a gacha system, there’s some loud advertising about power-up items and gemstones you can win through various means. You can also buy these with actual money if you want to progress in the game faster.There is a quick tutorial before you’re dropped into the first match. The game asks you to select a couple of partners, but then tells you that you don’t have enough points to do that yet and you’ll have to work harder. (Or pay real money right up front, naturally.) Since I wasn’t allowed to choose anybody, the game spent about 10 seconds choosing my team.Gameplay uses the typical to joystick FPS control scheme. The virtual stick on the left side of your screen controls your movement, while the right side controls where you look/aim. The shooting buttons are also on the right side, which can feel a little bit clunky at times.We ran around a little arena, wearing little schoolgirl skirts and shooting each other with squirt guns. When a girl gets too wet, the clothes come off and she’s running around in her underwear. Keep shooting her and the game tells you you got a kill. That sounds pretty fucking morbid for a lighthearted squirting and fucking videogame, but it ain’t permanent. The water sport cuties respawn until the match is over.Despite the clunkiness, I absolutely crushed the first round I played. I was the MVP of my team by a huge margin, while everyone on the losing team scored like a fucking retard who’d been sniffing glue all day. If I was less cynical, I’d think I was just really fucking good at this game. My guess is I actually played against and with a handful bots, as is typical in a lot of online multiplayer games. It makes you feel good about your skill and get you hooked on the game.Get Some Free Shit or Buy It YourselfAfter you win a match, they send you to Victory Road where you get some prizes. I scored a squirt gun that’s supposed to unlock special training games and a student council president outfit for the broad I was commanding to squirt other bitches. If I would have scored some more points, I would have earned a special bandanna with new powers.The game takes the opportunity here to point out how the gacha system works. The items you win help advance the game or give various bonuses to your stats, letting you shoot bitches harder and faster, which in turn helps you accumulate more stuff. You can also earn free gacha just by logging in every day and achieving little tasks. Alternately, you are presented with plenty of opportunities to spend real money buying the stuff.I like how specific they are about what I’ll be winning in the first stage of the game. Boobs in the City tells me the introduction is all about learning new characters and items for the sex scenes.Squirt This Broad Until She’s NakedAs soon as they told me that new squirt gun I won was for the special training games, I wanted to give it a shot. Apparently, there are different games for different girls. I only had Akane to begin with, so it was her and I alone.The training game isn’t much of a game here, or else I just didn’t get it and played it wrong. Akane stands in the middle of the room and I’ve got a squirt gun icon at the bottom of the screen. When I tap the icon, she gets squirted with water. She flinches and squirms, which you wouldn’t expect from a professional at the sport. When you squirt her enough times, all her clothes come off and she falls on the floor with her ass up in the air, pussy exposed like a cat in heat.It’s only a vaguely interactive scene, but it does a better job than a lot of sex games. It looks better, for one thing, and I like that clicking actually did something. I also appreciate that Boobs in the City didn’t make me play for a fucking hour just to see a goddamn CG hentai vagina.After leaving Akane naked and alone on the floor, I went into the dormitory where some drama was going on. Somebody stole some pudding and I was left as an arbitrator between a couple of gorgeous anime sluts. Sounds like things are about to get sexy!Boobs in the City is a surprisingly detailed pornographic first-person shooter. Most sex games, in general, seem to be slapped together with little effort, but this one has decent production values. More importantly, the gameplay is actually fun, even if you don’t end up shelling out money for the gacha system. I only played for a while and while I saw a lot of different game elements, I feel like I only touched the surface. If you’re looking for a thumb exercise to go with your forearm exercises, Boobs in the City may be your new jam.