Ah, teenage girls. I keep getting older, and they stay the same age. Plus, unlike you fat, lonely virgins, I actually fuck them—I did when I was their age, and I do now. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t live with my mom, or that I don’t smell like twenty pounds of king crab shells were left out in the hot sun for a week, or even because my dick is more than three inches long—that shit is for you to worry about. All I know is that I can get all the teen ass, pussy, and whatever other holes I want, while you’re stuck with a pair of tweezers, a magnifying glass, and PornHub’s teen section.The site is so good that I even use it when I’m too lazy to cruise down to the high school and pick up whatever hot piece of meat I see with an ass just a little bit too big for her tiny jean shorts. Sure, it’s not quite the same as having a pristine virgin or a slutty cheerleader servicing your cock and begging for your load, but I understand that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Some people fuck, and others get fucked. So unless you’re willing to risk getting a restraining order taken against you and spending the rest of your life on the sex offender’s registry by trying to copy me and pick up teenage girls (it won’t work for you, I promise), this is your next best bet.The site has been around forever, and seasoned masturbators like yourself should probably know it well. But a lot of people have been overlooking it in recent years. It’s been around forever, and some people think that means that better alternatives have been created, so they’ve given up on it and moved on. And while I understand the logic behind doing so, it doesn’t hold true in this case. Your mom’s been around for a while too, and I haven’t given up on her yet, so why would you give up on PornHub? Sure, she might not be quite as hot as she used to be, but there’s something to be said about being desperate for cock.Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll even be able to pick up some techniques from the site’s videos that you’ll be able to use on an actual living, breathing, teen girl. I am just joking. Sorry to get your hopes up. I know that the only way an eighteen-year-old slut would gargle your nuts like she does mine would be if you paid her, and I also know you can’t afford that on your minimum-wage fast-food salary. Plus, the smell of burgers and fries that lingers on your greasy forehead would probably turn her off to the point of vomiting anyways.So let’s kill your dreams, give up the fantasies, and dive in. You’ll find that life is a lot more bearable once you’ve lost hope.Exactly What A Porn Site Should BePornHub does not fuck around. Most people have probably never considered how the site is designed behind the porn, but that’s both impressive and intentional. The site is so powerful and easy to use that it kind of fades away into the background, allowing you to seamlessly find the exact fucked-up kind of porn that you want. You know, the strange fetish stuff that’s most likely the product of some deep-seated childhood trauma. Whatever fucked up shit happened to you as a teenager that’s left, you only able to blow a load to girls half your age is your own business. I’m not here to judge, but I am here to laugh.More than probably any other porn site, PornHub Teen focuses above all on the porn—just like you! There’s more to the site, but if you’re not willing to put any effort into your masturbation experience (like every other aspect of your life), you’ll get along well enough by just scrolling through and watching videos at random (unlike every other aspect of your life).Just feast your eyes on all of the hot young bodies that you couldn’t touch when you were young, and you can’t touch now. Wipe away the tears as you spiral into a depressing nostalgic pity fest over your lost youth, and explore the site a bit. You’ll see large thumbnails with high-quality video previews. Click one that you like, watch it, wipe the jizz off the underside of your desk, and repeat until the day that you die. Even you can manage that, right?For Those With Discerning TastesOh, you can’t? The good people at PornHub do their best to make things as simple as possible for you, and I go out of my way to introduce you to a site that even you should be able to operate, and that still isn’t enough?Fine. If you can manage to stop staring at the thumbnails of ninety-pound teens getting plowed by cocks twice as long as yours and three times as thick, you’ll find some depth to the sites sorting and filtering tools.One of the unique features that sets the site apart from the competition is the ability to filter all of its content between professional and amateur videos. If you want to watch the kind of passionate, loving, raw sex that you’ll never experience, you can choose to only see amateur porn in just a few clicks. Or if you want to watch women so beautiful that they wouldn’t even give you the time of day get railed by six-foot-six professional athletes, set your filter to professional.But say that’s not enough. You need more control. Your cock is so beaten and withered from years of abuse that not just anything will get you hard. You need something strange, something unique, something fucked up. You should probably attack that problem at its root by going to see a therapist. Still, since they’re realistically going to be as grossed out by you as everyone else, you’re probably better off just playing around with PornHub Teen’s detailed and powerful tags and filters.These filters can be combined in any number to craft the exact scenario that you’ve been playing out in your mind since you first started jerking off. If you’re relatively normal, you can just put a few basic ones together. Say you can’t get your mind off of that cute Brunette that was in your twelfth-grade math class, but ever since you blew a load on the back of her shirt while waiting in line at Starbuck’s she hasn’t been seen outside alone without her boyfriend. Just combine a couple of tags, and you’ll find a teen girl so close that you won’t be able to tell the difference—until you bust again and the self-hatred and depression starts to set in.But the real power of PornHub Teen’s tools is in discovering videos so impossibly perfect that your brain wouldn’t otherwise even dare to imagine them. Want to see a group of four teens with asses as fat as yours servicing some mega-stud? Easy as pie. Just don’t feel too hard on yourself when you realize that it’s me in the video. Again, not everyone can live the life I can. You certainly can’t. You’re better off giving up, putting your head down, and burying your feelings deep inside while you enjoy the porn.Behind The Velvet CurtainBut even more lies under the surface of PornHub Teen—if you’re willing to open up your wallet. Any productive members of society reading this shouldn’t run into any issues here. At about ten dollars a month, PornHub Premium is one of the best deals around—but guys like you might have to get a bit creative to unlock this holy grail. All you would ideally have to do is put in an extra shift or two at work or cut out one or two of your daily trips to the gas station for tendies and Mountain Dew a couple of times a month, but since I’m sure your mom has already tried and failed to break that addiction, I’ll help you out.Next time I pick up your mom for “dinner,” go borrow one of her credit cards. The site is cheap enough that she might not notice, especially when you consider that they bill discreetly under a name that won’t let her know that her precious little baby is spending her hard-earned money to watch girls hardly old enough to drive take cocks down their throats. If you get caught she might give you a spanking, but you can thank me later for that.
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