The Handy Feeling

A friend recommended The Handy when he heard about my latest visit to the hospital. “Don’t you think it’s time to give up on building your own dick-sucking robot?” he asked. “Maybe it’s time to leave it to the professionals.” I’ve never been one to abandon a dream, but as I applied the prescription salve to the friction burns, I thought, perhaps he’s right.That’s why I spent all morning checking out TheHandy.com, which makes a high-end masturbation gizmo they call “the most advanced sex toy ever created” . Of course, working in adult entertainment, I’m used to every product, service, and website being advertised as the most groundbreaking, awesome thing ever, so the bold brag was no surprise. Still, I’d heard some good things about the company, and I was in the market for a new fap toy. So it felt like a good time to finally see what they had to offer.How Does The Handy Revolutionize Masturbating?The bragging continues all over TheHandy landing page, including a big header that calls it “The sex toy that revolutionizes masturbating.” They go on to say it comes “with guaranteed mind-blowing orgasms,” which I assume is a reference to their two-week, no-questions-asked return policy, which is a true rarity in the world of sex toys.From the high-end sex dolls to the cheaper guys like Tenga, most of these companies have return policies that require the products to be brand new and unused, while The Handy just insists you need to return the whole box with everything but the sleeve. “It needs to be functional as this product will most likely be used in future demos,” reads the blurb, which is gross but whatever. Just don’t stick your dick in a demo model! Still, you will have to pay shipping and handling costs and customs/duties clearance, which will run around $25 for Americans.And why so much? Well, TheHandy.com is still working on getting some American retailers, so they’re operating out of Oslo for now. That means you will have to wait a while to get your gadget, up to 12 days if you’re a Yankee. This I know will be a dealbreaker for those looking for something to splurge on while the wife’s out of town this weekend. Check out the FAQ if you live somewhere else because there are a few countries they can’t deliver to currently, like Russia, Brazil, and Malaysia.I couldn’t help noticing a link to TheHandy’s community on Reddit at the bottom of the screen, so I clicked my way through. Usually, when you check out these corporate sex subreddits, it’s a fucking ghost town with nothing but a few uncommented posts by the company who set up the sub. Here,  there’s an active international online community of thousands of users. That’s good to know if I’m about to blow a buck-sixty on an expensive masturbation device. If something goes wrong or I can’t make it work right, I can always ask these perverts.So Let’s Talk About That Automatic Dick StrokerAt $159, The Handy is a lot fucking pricier than any random porn-store fap sleeve, even if they offer free shipping. The question is what you get for that money that you’re not going to get from a standard silicone butthole. Well, I watched the three-minute intro video to find out.The Handy intro video is on YouTube, which is funny for a masturbation device since they’ve got to keep it clean. A dude with a British accent lists the same brags about this being the most advanced dick stroker and then goes on to the features, the first of which is that this sucker is controlled by you, your partner, or an adult movie.I’ll be honest, when I actually saw the video of this thing in action, I was a little underwhelmed. I was expecting something more along the lines of the Kiiroo devices, which I’ve reviewed here at ThePornDude. Those are about fifty bucks more but offer a sleek, streamlined tube that you can stick your ding-dong inside.By contrast to the Kiiroo, The Handy takes what looks like a cheap fap sleeve, wraps a piece of Velcro around it for a perfect “one-size fits all” fit, and then puts that on the side of what looks like a Fleshlight. The fap sleeve slides automatically up and down the side, so you’d be holding it above, beside, or below your cock, not right on it like with most sex toys.Like any good auto-masturbator, TheHandy lets you control the speed of the strokes, with ten built-in sensors that are supposed to keep it running perfectly. In addition, it’s got WiFi and Bluetooth connectivity that works with a handful of online porn services for that teledildonic fun. That’ll let you sync up with porno flicks or let some babe on the other side of the world stroke you off with an app.Get Your Internet-Enhanced Fap OnI was most interested in the video syncing options, given what I saw as a lackluster design for such a high-end male masturbation toy. However, TheHandy.com has partnered with some great content providers like SexLikeReal and Czech VR to enhance your porn viewing experience. So maybe it’s time to bust out the VR sex helmet and strap The Handy to your junk for a fully immersive experience.If you’re a little bit tech-savvy, you can also make your own video scripts to help sync up to your favorite Abella Danger scenes or handjob extravaganzas. There’s also a link to a growing archive of user scripts if you check out TheHandy.com FAQ. They’re apparently working on making these more accessible to users, which means that the library should grow at an exponential rate.One of the things I like about these pricier dick massagers is that they’ve got upgradable firmware and apps, which means you can potentially get new features and broader compatibility in the future. VR porno is just getting started, kicked off mainly by the Oculus Quest 2, and I think this stuff is just going to keep getting better.The Handy device itself is also upgradable and customizable to a point. I was surprised they didn’t have a wider variety of TrueGrip sleeves available, but hopefully, those are coming. They’re kind of shooting themselves in the dick with the meager options because most companies offer more choices, but they’ve stated that part of their goal was that TheHandy would be compatible with future devices and add-ons.How Does The Handy Stack Up?If you’ve read my Fleshlight review, you know I’m a fan of their products, and given their popularity, I’m sure you’re wondering how The Handy stacks up. Honestly, they’re two different worlds. The Fleshlight offers an exceptional manual masturbation experience. For twice the cost, The Handy provides you an intense automated masturbation experience.But how does it stack up to the other automated units? That’s a tough question, and there’s obviously going to be a lot of personal preference involved in a choice like this. For a bit more money, I prefer the way Kiiroo’s gadget engulfs your whole dick. Lovense also has a similar device to the Kiiroo that usually goes for a couple of hundo, but I saw it on sale recently for an even ninety-nine. (Be sure to check out my reviews of both of these companies before you blow a couple of bills on an expensive masturbator!)In the end, it’s a big decision because it’s a decent investment for most folks, and these things are really subjective; one man’s wet dream is another man’s hellish nightmare of horny machinery gone mad. One of the most appealing things about TheHandy.com is the money-back guarantee I mentioned. You’re usually shit out of luck if you try out a self-pleasure device and decide it isn’t for you, but these guys give you some real leeway to try that thing out.So what’s my recommendation when it comes to TheHandy.com? I say click through, read the promo material, watch the short video, and then check out some of the user reviews on the website. I don’t think they’re censoring them because there are some one-star and two-star writeups, but the overall satisfaction seems high. (TheHandy subreddit is also a good source of first-hand information.) If you’re still interested after doing your homework and comparing your options, that money-back guarantee takes the risk out of trying.