Erotic Massage Sites

I spoke to my Sex Advisor this morning, and he told me I needed to get laid more often. Beating off into a silicone schoolgirl butthole while watching the porn tubes is great fun and all, but sometimes you need to stick your ding-ding inside of something live, wet, and tight. I guess I could try my luck at the local fatties on Tinder again, but what if I’m looking for something a little more, uh, professional?That’s where SexAdvisor.com comes in. It’s a killer domain that’s been kicking around for decades, but its current incarnation is pretty fucking new to the Internet. You know, given the timing, I get the feeling the folks who built it are just as fed up with social distancing as the rest of us. The whole point of the site is to help you find brothels, erotic massages, strip clubs, swinger clubs, and other live, interactive adult entertainment. So let’s see if it’s time to end my dry spell.Have You Spoken to a Sex Advisor Lately?Unless you’ve got the setting turned off, SexAdvisor uses your location information to figure out where you are and serve up the most relevant shit right away. For instance, before I even dialed in my location, the site offered up a picture menu of all the local establishments I know and love. It’s noteworthy how quickly they’re showing me familiar venues because there’s usually at least some digging on these sites. SexAdvisor immediately finds the sex clubs near you, and it’s surprisingly exhaustive.How do I know it’s exhaustive? Because I recognize the places! They’ve got the strip clubs everybody expects, like the local Déjà vu and a handful of the grimier ones with a reputation for backroom fun, plus a nearby Asian massage parlor I’ve heard some rumors about. A notable omission is a recently shuttered “Adult Bookstore” that had a gross little glory hole where chubby middle-aged women sucked off strangers. That joint had been operating openly for years, and a lot of folks around here have said it was just a matter of time.By default, SexAdvisor.com is showing you all the local venues. However, if you’ve got some specific entertainment in mind, you can dial in one of the options at the top of the list. They’ve got categories for Brothels, Erotic Massages, Nightclubs, FKK, Swinger Club, and Escort Agencies.I wasn’t familiar with the term FKK, but Sex Advisor has included a helpful little summary of the philosophy. FKK is an abbreviation for a German word, Freikörperkultur, which translates to “free body culture.” It’s very similar to nudism, involving hanging out and doing day-to-day while entirely naked.I’ve actually got a couple of famous nudist resorts within a couple of hours of me, so I expected to see them show up on the list as soon as I switched to the FKK view. Unfortunately, it looks like all the FKK locations they’ve got listed are in different European countries. I have to assume it’s due to some subtleties about the definition of FKK that I’m just not familiar with yet, or perhaps American nudism just doesn’t jive with the FKK philosophy. It could also be a result of the algorithms that have helped build the site; maybe the resort owners need to enter the info themselves.While I am slightly disappointed those nudist camps weren’t on the list, I found out something nice about SexAdvisor.com: the site has thousands of clubs, agencies, and brothels listed worldwide. That worldwide listing means the site isn’t landlocked like a lot of similar directories, and you can use it from anywhere in the world. This will only get better as the site continues to grow.The concept of FKK isn’t well-known in the United States, so it was helpful for Sex Advisor to include the write-up explaining the basics. And it isn’t just the FKK section, either, but each of the categories on the site, from the Brothels to the Erotic Massages to the Swinger Clubs, includes some basic information that will be helpful to newbies of these types of services. This shit is really helpful because, in most places, you’re usually stepping into a legal gray area, so it’s good to have some pointers.At the end of the day, though, it’s up to you to make sure you’ve done your homework to stay safe while getting your dick wet. SexAdvisor is arguably a part of that homework, and this next section will explain another way the site’s so helpful in helping you pay for sex.Reviews from Your Fellow Escort BangersThe first impressive thing I noticed about Sex Advisor was how they showed me local venues right from the jump. Then, a couple of seconds later, I noticed another big selling point: this site offers user rankings and reviews of the different locations, like a Yelp of places where you can get a little paid action tonight.If you’ve spent much time here at ThePornDude, checking out my reviews of escort sites and directories, you probably already know how I feel about this feature. When I see a new escort site pop up without reviews, my first reaction is always, “What the fuck?” I don’t even buy penis growth cream without reading the reviews anymore, not after that nasty chemical burn incident. So why would you hit up a brothel you haven’t heard shit about? It could be a honey trap or just a wretched hive of scum and villainy.The default view at SexAdvisor.com sorts the locations by proximity to you, but there are other ways to reshuffle the stack. For example, if you’re in a bigger city with plenty of options, you may be better off sorting the clubs by Popularity, Top Rated, or Discussed. This is a feature that is only going to improve as the site continues to mature.The one downside to the review setup is that there aren’t many reviews yet as a very new site. Maybe that’s my cue to sign up for an account and start posting comments. Registration is free, but not required. I know a lot of you worry about leaving any kind of digital paper trail, but you don’t need to sign up for anything just to use the site if you ain’t going to leave reviews. Everything is visible without a membership, including all the contact info you’re going to need.And it’s not just contact info, either; the brothel and club listings on SexAdvisor are surprisingly thorough, breaking down the hours, parking situation, and even prices. I really like the gallery photos, which will help you gauge the vibe when no reviews are available. You can tell a lot about a sex club by the lighting and the furniture, even though they usually take the shots when the joints are empty.Like TripAdvisor, But Even More UsefulYou’ve probably noticed that SexAdvisor.com takes the inspiration for their name from TripAdvisor. That ain’t an uncommon branding strategy in adult entertainment, but what gets me is how they have managed to include some of TripAdvisor’s best features in their brothel directory. You can browse by locations, check out photos and hours, see if the prices are in your budget, read what other users have to say, and even see a detailed map that helps you get there.The entire presentation has a professional vibe, and you know what? With my adblocker running, I didn’t even see any spam. That’s a rarity on any free site, especially one without a clear monetization strategy. I’m not sure where SexAdvisor.com is making their money, but I sure ain’t complaining.Really, my biggest complaint about the site is just that it’s so fucking new. That means many of those review sections are still empty, waiting for some John to let us know about his experience with this escort agency, that swinger club, or the FKK establishment down the block. But, of course, as the site grows, those empty spaces will start to fill in, and the whole thing will get even more useful.SexAdvisor.com is one of the nicer directories of brothels, agencies, and adult clubs I’ve seen in a while. It’s completely free to use and instantly shows you what’s available in your area, so I recommend a look even if you’re not actively trying to buy some pussy tonight. Who knows? You may end up having a better evening than you were expecting.

SexAdvisor

Bed Page! What could be better than perusing my website, finding a really sweet porn tube full of free smut, and then furiously stroking yourself to a mind-boggling, explosive climax? How about getting some hot slut to do that stroking for you? Maybe you can even upgrade from the handy to a full-fledged, full-completion oral massage. I guess it just depends on what the erotic masseuse happens to be offering and how much cash you’ve got in your pocket. Whatever the case, BedPage can help you find the right massage for your needs and budget.BedPage.com popped up just a couple years ago, perhaps as a response to the crackdown on sites like Craigslist and Backpage. Hell, they’ve got a whole page linked in their footer that goes on about their effectiveness as a Backpage replacement. All those horny Johns and people with chronic knots in their back from desk work had to go somewhere, right? BedPage is pulling a few million hits per month, so it looks like I found where a lot of those displaced users went.Erotic Massages and Used Cars in Your NeighborhoodThe landing page to BedPage.com looks pretty much exactly like Craigslist or Backpage. It’s a huge list of cities around the world, broken down by country, province, and state. Most of the cities are in the United States, but they’ve got a pretty fucking huge selection of locations basically everywhere. You can even find an escort in Middle Eastern countries where I’m pretty sure they cut your fucking head off for banging sluts.Once you choose a city, you’ll go to that location’s portal. There you’ll find all kinds of broad categories for their classified listings. BedPage has all the typical shit you’d expect, from used car sales to musician wanted ads, to “business opportunities” that are mostly pyramid schemes for housewives who don’t mind preying on each other for embarrassingly small amounts of cash and a stockpile of leggings and vitamins in the garage.There are all kinds of sexual services available on the website, from phone sex operators and strippers, to tranny escorts and dominatrix sluts who won’t touch your cock unless they’re whipping it or kicking it with a savage boot. Today, I’m going to focus on the erotic massage listings on the site.Two Sections Full of the Same ListingsI loaded up BedPage looking for a beautiful woman with very talented hands who I could pay to touch me all over. The first thing I noticed was that these listings are actually filed under two different categories. The site would do really well to merge these, because you’re going to have to look through both of them if you really want to assess your erotic massage options for the evening.The Adult listings for each city break down into a bunch of sexy categories like Adult Jobs, Dom and Fetish, and Escorts. This is where you’ll find the section of Bodyrubs listings.You will find very similar and often overlapping listings for kinky massage artists filed under the Massage category of BedPage’s Services. Yeah, I agree: it’s fucking stupid and a pain in the ass, and I’m not sure what they were thinking in the first place dividing them up like this. Nobody is trying to buy their mom a gift card for a wholesome massage on a fucking Backpage replacement. BedPage obviously knows this, because they make you pass through the same Adults Only gate on the way into either section.What can I say, though? I didn’t set it up, and all I can really do about it is bitch a little bit as I write this review. Anybody using the site will just have to browse both sections or potentially miss out on a really good back rub with full release.MaSsAgE U LoNgTiMe (Heart, Heart, Car Crash) LOCAL RELEASE (Eggplant)In both the Bodyrubs and Massage areas, listings are presented the same way. It’s the tired, old school Craigslist format that was popular, when? Like 20 years ago? Instead of the sexy lady thumbnails you get on most massage/escort sites, BedPage gives you a bunch of text and a shit ton of emojis. Most of the massage listings ARE SCREAMED AT YOU IN ALL CAPS, JUST IN CASE YOU’RE DEAF! Well, I have to assume many of the users here are fucking old, because they don’t know any better than to use this new-but-outdated site.It’s a goddamn cluster fuck. The only way to find out what your potential masseuse looks like is to click your way into listings with titles like I CAN MAKE UR SEX DREAMS CUM TRUE (car emoji, explosion emoji) DON’T MISS OUT (heart emoji) HEAD 2 TOE (frog emoji) FULL mAsSaGe W SwAlLoW (lips emoji, flower emoji, bowling ball emoji). Yes, that is a real listing title, and most of them read like that. Each listing opens in a new tab, so get ready for a ton of clicking.Based on those titles, this is probably a good place to find an erotic massage from a retarded girl. I wonder how well that retard strength applies to erotic massages. I bet she can get the kinks out of my neck, but I am a little bit worried she’ll pet my fleshy dog so hard it dies.Hit Up a Local Masseuse for a RubdownThe good news is that most of the listings do seem to have photos. If I’m going to get a penis massage from an illiterate girl, I at least want her to be sexy as fuck. I guess the idiot broad who posted the “Are youbstressed and need massage” listing is out of the running, though, because she forgot to include her contact information.Many of the listings include a phone number right in the post title alongside all those stupid fucking flower emojis, while others put them in the blurb or use BedPage’s built-in contact buttons. The end user, meaning you or me or anybody else looking for a grown-up rubdown, doesn’t need to sign up or log into the website to see any of this contact information. Great news for anybody worried their wife will find out about that totally innocent massage.I’ve got to say, though, I’m a little bit skeptical of some of these listings. Some of the photos look like the typical amateur semi-porn you see on other escort sites, while a lot of them look like they may have been stolen from Instagram, porn sites and dirty magazines.Adult services of all kinds have always been ripe for scams. If this is your first time trying to get an erotic massage, you should probably go do your homework on a different site. Most escort pages offer some basic info about how not to get ripped off, but you’re on your own with BedPage.Another massive hole in their system is the complete lack of user reviews. On most of the good escort sites these days, all the decent erotic masseuses will have reviews from dudes who’ve used their services. That helps a lot when you’re trying to choose a beautiful, talented girl. You wouldn’t order a blowup sex doll from Amazon if she’s got zero reviews, so why would you pay more for a live, flesh-and-blood bitch without any references?The whole time I was browsing BedPage, I kept asking myself who the website was for. They set out to be a Backpage replacement, and I’d say they totally succeeded at that. The thing is, why the fuck would anybody still use Backpage these days? If you’re old and that’s what you’re used to, I almost get it, but there are much better options out there for finding a dirty massage in your area. At the very least, the other sites let you browse thumbnails instead of walls of sexual gibberish with a bunch of emojis thrown in.I’m sure you can find a good erotic massage on BedPage and their sister sites Ebackpage &amp; Ibackpage, but it’s going to be more work than it is on other sites like it. I can’t really recommend this to anybody unless they really miss that shitty, old, outdated Craigslist/Backpage format. If you’re really interested in paying somebody to touch you tonight, I recommend using something else from my list of Erotic Massage Sites.

BedPage

Adult Search! I just spent all morning repeatedly jacking off to a porno about a guy who visits a massage parlor that happens to be run by a very famous porn starlet. I’m not sure how familiar you are with the genre, but the massage was not the wholesome backrub you bought your mom a gift certificate for last Christmas. It was more of a sucky fucky, love-you-long-time kind of thing. Once the hand cramping got bad enough to interrupt the wanking, I realized it would be a lot more sexually efficient to hit up an actual massage parlor. You know, the erotic kind. That’s when I hit up AdultSearch.Based in the Netherlands, AdultSearch.com has been helping consenting adults exchange money for sexual services for years now. The domain was registered more than 20 years ago! These days, they are pulling about 14 million views a month, making them a legit worldwide marketplace for sex. They’ve got all kinds of fun grown-up stuffed in their listings, but today I want to focus on their selection of erotic massage parlors.Erotic Massages In Every Corner of the GlobeThe front page shows you exactly what kind of territory AdultSearch aims to cover, and it’s the whole goddamn world. In fact, if it weren’t for the site logo and words like “Shemale Escorts” and “Meet and Fuck” in the header, the entire thing just reads like a list of places. A few dozen of their international top cities are listed near the top. Where would you like to go get your cock rubbed tonight?If you ain’t in a major city like Atlanta, Sydney or Vancouver, just scroll down the page a little bit. They’ve got adult listings broken down by country, state and city. All the usual suspects are here for your typical sex tourists looking for paid action in places like Thailand, and they’ve even got listings in surprise locations like Nairobi and the UAE. Try not to get your head cut off just for getting a handjob in the Middle East.Once you’ve chosen your city, AdultSearch gives you a handful of listing types to choose from. There are strip clubs and escorts, sex shops, swingers clubs and gay bathhouses. There are sex forums for every city where you can talk about those services and escorts, but like I said, today we’re going to zoom in on the erotic massage parlors listed in your city.Is That Massage Parlor Erotic or Not?One of the most frustrating things as a horny pervert with a compulsive need for hourly orgasms is not knowing which massage parlors give more than massages. It sucks driving past a place that might have blowjobs for sale but being afraid to empty your wallet and leave with blue balls. It sucks even worse when you whip out your erection only to have the police called on you and have to hide in a dumpster outside. I always end up masturbating with the smell of rancid cat food in my nostrils because even though it would be my third strike, I’m still primed and ready to go. Fuck the police!The erotic massage parlor listings on AdultSearch take out a lot of that mystery. For one thing, they are on a list with “erotic” in the title. Do you know what I really love, though? The reviews from friendly grown-ups like you and me. You know, perverts.I’m in San Francisco today, so while I waited for my ounce of weed to get delivered like pizza, I pulled up AdultSearch’s selection of dirty massage parlor listings. They may have made of plastic drinking straws illegal here, but goddamn, you can certainly find yourself a kinky rubdown or two. Over 100 erotic massage parlors are listed, so it’s a good thing I bought all that counterfeit Viagra in Chinatown.They understand how important those reviews are, so the default view sorts the parlors by the newest review. You can also rearrange them by rating, the number of reviews, or available videos. As I browsed through different cities on the site, I really didn’t see many videos, which makes sense given the legal gray area we’re fucking around in here.I did find an odd quirk with the number of reviews listed on the parlors pages. Sometimes AdultSearch will say a joint doesn’t have any reviews, but then you find some at the bottom of the listing. This is kind of annoying because I’d rather avoid the places nobody is talking about and would prefer a way to really separate them from the popular parlors.A Message from your Fellow JohnsThe newest review here is for a place in the downtown financial district, and that’s also the location with the most reviews on this cities list. I guess it’s a popular place to go when your wife is being a frigid bitch and your tubes are getting all backed up.Most of the reviews are admittedly pretty vague, but even a simple star rating from a fellow sexual deviate is useful when you’re picking out a place to get your dick bounced on. Other reviews are full of relevant details like prices, tips for getting the best service, and information about the location itself. Users can even add photos or videos to their reviews.The dude who wrote the newest review of this place I’m thinking of hitting up says I should ask for a big-titted Asian named Tina. He says the parlor is in kind of a busy area, which sucks, but the total cost for a room and service makes it sound worth it. Hell, I’m the kind of guy who will buy a blowjob at McDonald’s at the price is right, and this place is apparently underground.One problem I ran into during my visit to the site was that I could only view the first page of the reviews for each parlor. Each subsequent page came up blank. Given the age and popularity of the site, I’d bet any money this is just a temporary bug that will hopefully be fixed by the time you read this.Remember I mentioned the discussion forums AdultSearch has for each city? One of the things I really love is that each massage parlor listing has quick links to any relevant threads about the joint. Any serious issues or mind-blowing perks will naturally be highlighted immediately.Vaginas Were Made for Massaging PenisesThe reviews are easily one of the most helpful tools AdultSearch gives you to find a good massage parlor, but every listing is chock-full of useful and relevant information. This includes whether you need to bring cash or make an appointment, hourly rates, masseuse ethnicities, and available amenities. Some joints include a private dance with VIP, others give you access to a private hot tub, while others insist you park your semi-truck outback. Business hours are listed in a big block, broken down by day so you don’t end up trying to break down their doors with an angry erection.Contact information is always listed and available without having to sign up or log in. That’s good news for you freaks who share your laptop with your wife, though you can always tell them a computer virus was looking for places to bang an Asian hooker. It wasn’t me, I swear!Since this is an international site, each parlor listing has a convenient currency converter built into the page right below the listed prices. Never struggle with a pillowcase full of pesos at an Australian erotic massage joint ever again! Be careful about those prices on the page, though. The reviews often give more accurate representations of what you will actually be paying.I thought I had my sexy massage parlor all picked out, but then I realized some of the listings even include coupons for discounts on their services. Fuck yeah! Guess who’s getting touched in a familiar way for half-price tonight.I’ve got to tell you, I had a pretty serious case of blue balls when I started writing this and it’s only gotten worse as I read about the things these ladies will do to me for a few bucks. The erotic massage parlor listings on AdultSearch are not only extensive and worldwide, but they are full of enough useful information to help you find the best action available in your area right away. It doesn’t cost anything to browse and you don’t need to sign up, so there’s really no reason not to peruse the listings in your area.

AdultSearch

Love Asian massages? Looking for a happy ending massage at Rub Maps? The idea of an erotic massage at the hands of some Asian dimepiece is a thought that keeps me awake at night. Mostly because I’m jerking off. Not because it worries me or some shit. It’s the kind of shit you always see people doing in movies or hearing about happening to a friend of a friend. The idea of a sensual, oiled massage where some slut jerks your dick or blows you seems like a fantasy.But is it? The hardest part about getting a massage with a happy ending is finding a parlor that does it. These places don’t want to get caught and shut down, so they are usually incredibly hard to find. You can’t just walk into your average massage place and ask for their hottest babe to suck you off. You’re apt to get kicked out and charged with harassment. And it’s not like you can simply look that shit up online. You’ll get results for porn about massage parlors, but not the parlors themselves. But don’t you worry, I’ve got a better way.Rubmaps.ch aka RubMaps.com is a solely user-driven site that reviews, talks about, and shares pictures of “erotic massage parlors” across the United States. I put erotic massage parlors in quotes because I’m skeptical if every place on here actually has happy endings, or if they add in every massage parlor in your area, but I’ll get into that later.I’m getting more mixed signals about when this site launched than that college slut who keeps grinding on me even though she’s got a boyfriend. The domain popped up way back in 2010, but their traffic was next to nothing until a February/March of 2019 where it shot up past 2 million visits every month. I don’t fucking know anymore.Pretty Straightforward Site. Browse Locations or Chat in the Forum The site has a blue and white design. Surprise surprise. I really am getting sick of this color scheme, but at least they seem to do it well at Rubmaps. It has a very similar design to any forum site on the internet. Up top, you can search for parlors by state, or use the advanced search options to narrow it way down to shit like “shaven pussies, handjobs, ethnicity, and hourly rates.”Below that there’s a header with options for “Forum, Slang, Blog, Escort Reviews, and Contact.” Everything except the forum and contact pages takes you to some other site. Not a bad site. It looks to be one of the site owners or affiliates personal blog about massage parlor hookups. There you can learn massage parlor slang, read personal reviews, and check out blog posts. The forum is decently active and has a few different topics that cover more general reviews, stories and sharing experiences with others. It’s the place you go to humblebrag about the Chinese dimepiece that lets you cum on her face.Plenty of Filter Options Help You Find the Perfect Happy Ending The rest of the site is dedicated to listings and reviews. You can filter your search by parlors nearby, in big cities near you, newest ones across the US, and that’s pretty much it unless you want to use the advanced search. When you pick a city you can then make it so you only get listings that have reviews that say they do erotic shit, are active, open, or have photos. But nothing here is guaranteed. It’s basically Yelp for massage parlors, so keep that in mind before you go to one of these places and whip your dick out.Each listing will show the hourly rate (likely depending on what services you ask for), what ethnicity the masseuses are, what kind of payment they take, when the last review was made, how many user reviews there are, and it will also list all the contact info for the business. From there click on the business to get photos, additional details like jacuzzi availability or semi-truck parking, and read reviews.Can’t Read Any Reviews Unless You Pay for a Pricey Membership But there’s a catch. There’s always a fucking catch. This site is not completely free. You have to pay up nearly 20 bucks a month (149 for the year) to read any of the reviews they have on the site. Having to pay for such a basic feature is some major bullshit. Imagine if they did that shit on Yelp. Yeah, sorry, you can’t see if this Taco Bell is any good until you pay for a monthly membership. Maybe I’m being too harsh.There aren’t any ads on the site, so they have to pay their bills somehow. But I’d rather ads at that point. I’m not about to pay to see what horrible, misspelled drivel some horny 40-year-old cuck has to say about his favorite massage parlor.You can’t even get a rating out of 5 stars without paying. Huge fucking bummer. If you’re not paying for the membership, you might as well just use fucking Google. It’s about as helpful as the free version of the site is. The only saving grace is that you can filter by erotic parlors, so at least you know which ones might jerk you off if it really comes down to it.And, of course, there are no 1-day trials, because that would undercut their whole sales strategy. You only ever need to look at this shit once, especially if you aren’t in a big city. My area is decently populated and only has 7 erotic parlors to browse from. Half of which don’t have a single damn review.Good Mobile Experience for People Looking for Happy Endings on the Go The mobile site works. It's got a decent layout that covers all the same bases that the desktop site does. Though there’s not much going on here that would make having a good mobile site that difficult. Search and scroll through listings easily on the go. This shit is good for you truckers or businessmen that are always traveling. Allow the site to track your location and you’ll get erotic parlors popping up everywhere. Those people are probably the only ones I’d recommend go premium. You never know what sketchy shit you might stumble into. But I wouldn’t bother with premium if you don’t plan to travel and only have a few local spots.ThePornDude’s Favorite FeaturesMy favorite thing about this site is that it’s pretty unique. They’ve cornered the market on quality reviews about erotic massage parlors. It’s an awesome idea. I’m for any site whose main goal is to help horny people get off. And I also enjoyed that you can get a fair idea of what to expect without having to pay. Yeah, they cordon off the most important part of the site behind a steep paywall, but at least you can view which ones in your area people have had supposedly had erotic experiences at. It gives you a place to start.ThePornDude’s SuggestionsDon’t make people pay for the feature that your whole site is about unless you’re willing to give a free preview. Nobody in their right mind pays for a porn subscription without seeing a preview video. Nobody should buy your membership unless they can read one or two reviews for free. I’m not about to dish out 20 bucks only to get disappointed by the lack of quality reviews. If the site allowed those previews, then I don’t think I’d have any big complaints about the site. It does everything else well. The price is just too high for a user who is on the fence. At the very least include a 5 dollar 1-day preview or some shit.ThePornDude’s Final ThoughtsOverall, Rubmaps.com does what it sets out to do. It’s a good site. I recommend you traveling fucks pick up the premium membership. That feels like the way the site was meant to be used. Sure, you can use it to find some erotic parlors in your area, but it’s not worth the steep asking price unless you just do it for a month and drop it. It’s a well-organized site with a decent forum. Check them out. You might just find a sexy massage joint to go bust a nut at.